messed up

i am very unstable recently,

there is always something that seems wrong to me

the thoughts come frequently...

this thing is blablabla

that thing is blablabala

they blablabla

she blablabla

he blablabla

and especially,, me blablabla

not that other things/people are wrong

it's just actually me, i know..

maybe all of this iniatiated when that thing happened

i really2 dont expect it to happen...

hell i hate it when it happened!!!

it almost happen several times b4

but i've manage to avoid by getting rid of it

shooing it all faraway so that no one would never ever know,

emptying the hatefulness

bad thoughts and sayings

yet, there are some leftovers left,

that's what make me feel so stupid,

i should have purify it all 100% without any dirts,

but i dont.....

now that it had happened

i cant get rid of it from my mind

it's the thing that i really want to forget,,

coz it hurt me so much

that i everyday i will think of it

and being hurt everytime

i just can hold back everytime it came

alone without no one else need to know

forcing my eyes to shut

everytime it came when i was about to sleep

always put me in blame and guilt

shame and feeling like a fool

why am i so careless?

just like a fool

to let it to happen while i can actually avoid it again

i have seen it coming,

but i just let it still right there..

believing that it would've never been broken...

but hey, isnt it too obvious?

and bang!

it exploded with just one shot..

and i hate that really,

i really am!

i dont let other people see this side of me

i smile, talk, laugh jokingly

but there are times when it's bleeding inside...

i have never cried in front of others,

or voice out my real probs to them,

coz i dunno how to and i dont want to..

but honestly, this sem is the one among the times i've been here..

the one when i shed tears the most without anyone knows.

how could have it happened?

yes, every cloud has a silver lining

it's very true

and i've found and see it

but still...... it hurts

coz i have not make my heart as sincere as it should

i should purify my heart

and seek for forgiveness

it's the best thing i should do..